Strolling on Instagram and immediately taken aback, I read, "I do not support ALL women." As I continued reading, "because some of you are bothered by the very existence of other women, and that's weird to me," I did a cartwheel while liking the post. Well, not really, but this statement resonated with me so much because it's SO TRUE. I will NEVER seek to understand or support any woman who seeks to dim the light of another woman, cause discomfort, or shift any negativity towards her for any reason. No amount of insecurity, jealously, or perceived threat one creates could ever validate a woman mistreating another woman simply for existing. My first encounter of betrayal from another woman was that of my stepmother. Not only did she knowingly sleep with a married man with three children, but she was intentionally vile.
I looked forward to weekends and spending time with my dad, but it came with a price. Discomfort, hearing mean comments about my mother, and questioning my dad about my mother's use of his credit card to meet my basic needs, out of complete jealousy, are just the tip of the iceberg. She would purposely buy fewer gifts for me during Christmases than her children, then seemingly enjoy me squirm in sadness and discomfort while making yet more vile comments. Mimi, her grandmother, once blurted out that I needed to go home if I would act like that. I was unsure what my stepmother had told her family. Still, Mimi was referring to me being a shy child who'd much rather spend a bit of time alone while, whom I considered, three mean ladies prepare a meal for the family. I was a child who couldn't help, wasn't asked to help, but my existence bothered her, and she wanted me home. She referred to a moment when I laid on my dad's pillow while watching my favorite movie, The Color Purple, as one that I needed to go home.
I loved Daddy's scent, and his pillow was my safe space while he worked in his woodshop or cut the grass. On my actual birthday, she purposely did nothing to celebrate and asked after seeing my disappointment, "What do you want us to do, bake a cake and eat it?" I just wanted the same care she would give her children. I was a very young and reserved child who could not understand why an adult who was supposed to protect me didn't. I remember doing so much in hopes that she'd eventually like and accept me. She never did. My dad yelled at her once while trying to protect me. Finally, I grew tired of visiting my dad at a cost. I stopped visiting. I've grown, I've forgiven, but I remember it all. I haven't spoken to her much in my adult years. The last time she communicated with me was when she offered condolences after my mother's death, the very woman she disrespected most of my life. No matter the evil she meant towards my mother, it could never stop by dad from communicating with her or even proclaiming her as his best friend. For divorcees, my parents communicated better than most and remained friends until my mother’s transition. She didn't have to manipulate, devise plans, or practice deceit to get my dad's attention. Her gentle and genuine spirit commanded it. My stepmother always had a level of insecurity because she entered the relationship with my dad by cheating. She eventually left my dad after thirty-plus years for whatever reason.
My mother was a "turn the other cheek" type of woman. She was strong, kind, giving, and slow to anger. Even amid anger or adversity, she meant well and would deliver her message sternly but with care. She meant what she said but always intended the absolute best for anyone she encountered with her servant's heart. She did not mistreat my stepmother's children, my younger siblings. She did not degrade other women or feel threatened by another woman's presence and existence. She showed me proper examples of sisterhood and was surrounded by women who would uplift each other, talk on the phone for hours, laugh hysterically over nonsense, or pray for one another. They would share recipes, support, albeit a hospital visit, small business venture, a shoulder to cry or laugh on or show up at the drop of a hat. If there were ever any issues, they would communicate wholeheartedly, woman to woman. This is the level of respect and sisterhood that I'm used to, and anything less is unacceptable and intolerable in my life. I'm very discerning when people don't mean well to me. While I try not to allow my stepmother's abuse to guide my decision-making, one can not ignore when a woman shows similar patterns with an intent to disrupt my peace in any way. I've had women (sadly, mostly black women) openly disrespect or attempt to sabotage my healthy relationships due to their insecurities and jealousy. I've experienced malice, deceit, or women being intrusive with malintent. It's venomous, disheartening, and unnecessary drama. I'm not built that way and enjoy the genuine sisterhoods I've created with the beautiful women in my life.
Woman to woman, if you're the kind of woman who seeks to dim the light of others, DO better. Suppose you're a woman finding herself feeling threatened and insecure to the verge of disrespecting, sabotaging, and hurting other women to feel good within yourself. In that case, it's time for soul searching and change. Speak positive words to yourself, about yourself, and others. Surround yourself with other women who won't accept such toxic behavior that is demeaning or degrading to other women. HEAL and vibrate higher. Celebrate that another woman is happy, has success, and is living a great life. What do you want for her, hurt and struggle? That's weird, sis. Another woman's good fortune does not take away from your own. When you look at another woman and see integrity, joy, peace, or strength, don't interrupt that because you have no idea what it has taken for her to possess those qualities. Stop subjecting other women to mistreatment and forms of abuse because you can't see your light. You're beautiful too, sis. You're a prize, too. You're strong, too. You're grand, too. You're a badass, too, sis. Real women fix crowns while helping other women grow and glow. Start glowing and help other women glow. Guess what? It makes us ALL LIT.
Glow up a little higher, sis.
Ro's Little Lady
