I entered my new year of life gently, poetically even. I didn’t muster up a stringent new list of resolutions or burden myself with unrealistic and unattainable goals. Instead, I allowed myself to be, and that’s poetic enough. I nurtured myself with an incredible amount of love and grace. I didn’t deny myself anything, either. I indulged in all things-Michelin-starred, anger, contentment, Starbucks, African dishes, mushing, and the many little miracles I never wish to take for granted. The pure joy of counting blessings and practicing gratitude was at the forefront. If I desired two grande cups of Starbucks’ White-Hot Chocolate, which is undeniably delicious, within a two-hour span, I indulged. When my triggers began to fuel my mind with unpleasant thoughts and my heart with pure, unadulterated hatred for things of my past, I let it. Sometimes, deep anger lingered, too. I didn’t question it. I didn’t ask for it to leave. I let anger be. When I arrived at SASAA to enjoy an African meal, I couldn’t decide on a dish, so I ordered them all. It turned out to be one of the best culinary experiences of my life. I let myself and my imagination wander wholly, wild, and free. I spent my new year soaking up the warmth around firepits, meeting other black business owners around the world, and creating new memories with strangers.
The other night was so beautiful. I sat on my couch listening to Cleo Sol croon and watched trains go by. With a tingle in my belly and an inkling of joy, I laughed despite my salted cheekbones. I was checking my email using the search feature to confirm the contents of a previous purchase. Amidst the search, an old message popped up, and I began to reflect heavily on a past but relevantly painful moment and stained memory. I began to acknowledge my feelings, the sadness, and overwhelming grief I have felt for what seems like an eternity. I welcomed the unpleasant thoughts and feelings to stay. “Get comfortable; let me feel you.” I chuckled because I was experiencing a moment in which I was comfortable with being uncomfortable and sitting with my emotions. I’ve never been quite great with that. Moments later, I realized I’d moved on to more positive thoughts and big dreams. Is that growth, I feel? Is that a beam of light coming from a tunnel’s end? This grief and journey back to me has been tedious, tiring, and exhausting, but worth it. Thoughts of an end was satisfying enough, and I thanked God for sustaining me for so long. Trouble doesn’t always last. Sadness doesn’t always last. Depression won’t always last. When I look at the bigger picture, sometimes baffled as to how it serves my life’s purpose or why God allowed moments to happen, I tell myself this:
“I may not YET understand the perspective of painful experiences endured, but God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and a divine protector. What was meant for harm will always work out for my good. Despite my life’s desires, God’s plan is far greater and more fruitful than I could ever imagine. He has a plan of abundance for me.”
Trust that God has a plan for you if you’re in a bewildering state or a season of uncertainty. -Jeremiah 29:11.
I celebrate my imperfections, beautiful brokenness, caring heart, and zest to JUST BE ME-good, bad, indifferent, all purely and authentic. I am grateful for life, health, and strength. I’m thankful for my tribe-my protectors, my confidants, and those who keep my feet planted in pure love, wisdom, and authenticity.
That said, JUST BE. In my new year, I welcome softness and boldness in my beliefs and continue creating my safe space to thrive and live abundantly. Life is what you make it, and I want to live fully and free.
Cheers to allowing yourself to just be, to allowing yourself to take up space, to allowing yourself to feel and act purely-no matter what! Happy New Year to ME!
Be,
Ro’s Little Lady