Days passed and my hands still shook from shock. I closed the shutters and blasted inspirational music. Hands on my hips, head tilted back, slowly pacing the floor in utter shock and disbelief, I wailed to the top of my lungs. My sobs and moans were deep, long, and full of despair. He’d done it, again. He’d abandoned me, AGAIN. The first go-round was tough, but this time was harsher, intentional, and vile. I wasn’t mourning the loss of a connection. Truth be told, I accepted a friendship under conditions I never should have. I knew my worth and value but didn’t show that by accepting less than what I deserved. I went against all of my rules, my gut, and all the lessons from my upbringing including to be careful, not to put all my eggs in one basket, and that sometimes I must feed people with a long handled spoon. I was mourning the mere fact that someone would dishonor and purposely cause me suffering. Someone who I’d shown nothing less than kindness, consideration, and genuine friendship.
Born out of wedlock to a dope fiend, I was adopted shortly after my birth by my dad’s wife. It’s a complicated, interesting, and long story that I’ll save for another post. My dad eventually divorced and remarried, causing me to grow up in a single parent home and wondering why he’d chosen to care for another family instead of his own. Worsening matters, his then girlfriend turned wife seemingly only tolerated me, never truly accepting me as a part of her life with him. Since learning the details of my birth as a little girl, I’ve struggled with abandonment and constantly questioning my very existence. Although I’ve accepted how I came to be and understand that I’m here because of God’s will, abandonment is still a struggle that I haven’t quite overcome yet. Fear of abandonment impacts me greatly in all of my relationships albeit family, friendships, acquaintances, and romantic connections. I tend to abandon relationships first simply because I don’t want to become abandoned. I’ve improved, though, and tend to communicate my fears increasing trust and bonding with other. But I hate the feeling of being disposed, manipulated, and deserted. His actions made me feel all of these feelings, twice.
We met and connected with the basis that we’d always be friends no matter what. Like a Scout’s honor and oath, I took those uttered words to heart and our friendship seriously. During our first separation, I didn’t realize that his intent was no longer to have a friendship at all because he didn’t convey his message that way. He became distant, apologized for the distance, explained that someone had re-entered his life, and that he was going through the motions. My response was patience and simply saying, “I’m here if you need me.” After unanswered texts and being blatantly ignored in common public places, it was then I realized he’d abandoned me.
The abandonment hurt deeply, and it caused me a great deal of stress and confusion. My face broke out, I suffered flare-ups from my autoimmune disorder (induced by sun exposure and stress), and was overcome with pure sadness. Again, I was saddened by actions, not the ending of a friendship. Months later, we reconnected in which he offered what seemed like a sincere apology, explained his stance of becoming too close, and that this time would be different. I explained my issue with abandonment and that open and honest communication is what I deserved as well as needed then and now. Weeks later, I found that he’d been dishonest and was involved in a serious relationship with another woman, possibly newly engaged or married. I was disgusted and when confronted, instead of acting maturely and communicating honestly, he ignored and blocked me on social media. Although I’ve witnessed similar behavior from men in movies, social media postings, literature, memes, and other experiences including those shared by my mother, I wasn’t used to this treatment- and never will I.
The level of disrespect, lack of care or consideration, malintent and willingness to cause harm was traumatizing. Again, I found myself full of sorrow, this time the feeling was indescribable. I was miserable for months. Cried for months. Unforgiving towards myself for months. Obsessed and questioned what I could have done differently for months. I tried best not to acknowledge my distress and mental anguish publicly by pretending that I was okay. I smiled and laughed when I didn’t feel like it, worked a lot, and didn’t want to acknowledge what had taken place, again. I was anxious and embarrassed that I’d allowed this person in my space again. I felt broken. I felt insecure. I felt ugly. I felt and suffered in silence for months but thank goodness for time. It may not truly always heal but it helps!
Since some time has passed, I’ve been able to reflect, process, and overcome. I don’t think about it as much. When I do, it just makes me sad, not only for me but for his brokenness. His actions had absolutely nothing to do with me! I realized that his actions were a reflection of himself and how he felt, perpetuating his inner demons. He may not have even realized it and probably still doesn’t. To have the ability to cause such harm to another being, one must be broken. This is just my logical reasoning and maybe even an excuse to help me feel better (Hey, just being honest.) I was raised by a loving and giving mother and the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. I’ll never fathom treating another being the way he treated me. I wouldn’t wish the experience on my worst enemy. Moreover, what’s troublesome is that people, including him, don’t realize their impact. Maybe they do and don’t care but that’s sad. People live in turmoil and even worse, kill themselves because of the words and actions of others or their inner struggles possibly caused by these very interactions. Think about it. We’re constantly interacting with others at work, school, the grocery store, the gas station, passing strangers, etc. I recently hugged a woman who was grieving the loss of her mother. I didn’t have to hug her, but I know how losing a mother feels. I didn’t have to comfort her but because I did, she, in that moment, felt appreciative and cared for. When I wanted to release the hug, she hugged tighter. She needed that. That’s humanity. It doesn’t take much to show compassion, consideration, and even tolerance with those who are different than us.
Words matter. Actions matter. How you treat others matter because you never know what someone is battling in silence. My suffering did not make me want to end my life, however it made me more conscience of a person’s impact and how powerful one’s actions and words can be. It’s true, in the words of Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I can’t wait for the moment when I realize that I haven’t thought about this or felt anything regarding this experience in a long while. I can’t wait to forget what was said or what was done. Eventually the memories, triggers, and even his name will fade. I’ve since forgiven him. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt any longer or that my thoughts aren’t triggered. It means I’ve chosen to release my pain and live gracefully. When I think about life, it’s so short! I just want to be happy, loving, and free. I can’t do that with an unforgiving heart.
So, if this has happened to you, it is no reflection of you nor your worth. You are amazing. You are important. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Most times, the betrayal, rejection, and abuse that has taken place is beyond you. A quote that resonates with me is, “Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else’s war against themselves.” While I don’t know what his war entails, I refuse to be a casualty. I don’t know or ever learned all the intricate details of his life and upbringing, but I can only imagine the brokenness, trauma, or disconnect he must have experienced to have brought such suffering upon me. Hurt people, hurt people and this is no excuse, but it happens. You can always choose to heal instead of hurting or harming others. At least that’s what I’ve chosen. So, again, if you’ve shared this experience and you’re struggling with forgiveness, remember that this too, shall pass. It’s okay to take your time and grieve. Grieve. Feel. Hurt. Forgive and find REST then move on with grace. I’ve adjusted my crown and I’m moving on toward complete peace and healing. I smile and laugh to the top my lungs willingly again. I’m much better now. I’m still lovable, giving, and caring. Although I felt broken, it didn’t break me. It made me stronger and braver because I’m willing to give, love, and care just as much as I did within that friendship to others more deserving. Let that shit go, find rest, and be free.
Feeling free,
Ro’s Little Lady
